It Never Stops Hurting {part 3}

Posted on | Monday, April 9, 2012 | No Comments

{read Part 1, Part 2}
what started as a shopping trip for a new sports bra led to buying a pregnancy test. this was crazy, there was no possible way i was pregnant.

rewind 2 days. we had just gotten into a wicked argument over me not having eaten all day because i was helping a friend for her wedding. this wedding, my husband really didn't want to be at but i made him come with me. so there we were, me feeling dizzy/nauseous him angry/furious having an all out argument. we attended the wedding and left early because it felt like i was going to pass out. we went to In N Out and i scarfed down some animal style fries. i should have known then right?

back to the story... i got home and took the test. + for POSITIVE. how, when, what? No, this has to be a mistake. so i sent Brian out to buy a digital kind of test. i drank some water to get the pee flowing again and this time it read PREGNANT. tears of shock, fear, happiness started coming on. i was so scared this was a mistake. at any moment this could just be a memory of something that could have been.

 as my pregnancy progressed i felt so truly blessed but that fear never left, not until the day Enzo was born. i had my little boy in my arms i felt complete, like this was what was meant to be. would i be so greedy to ever ask for anything more?

see here is the thing, i felt greedy. i enjoyed every last second of my pregnancy and labor. i wanted to be given the opportunity to experience it again. what would the chances be of this happening again? i know there are so many women out there that have not and may never experience what i have experienced as a pregnant woman. so this makes me think i should be grateful for what i have and leave it at that. it's not fair, it never will be fair. some women can have babies without ever having to try. i know i have a child of my own but it just never stops hurting knowing that i will live with the desire and hope to have another child the way it felt when i wanted a first child.

from the moment we wanted to have a baby we never prevented it from happening. even now, we've been letting nature take it's course. still, every month that goes by and i get my period just puts me in quite an awful state of sadness.

maybe i am greedy, maybe i want more than i need and maybe it will literally never stop hurting. for now though, i will enjoy every last second of time with my son because he is my miracle baby. he is the reason that i live with hope that the hurting might just stop someday.

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